Let's Talk - what's been going on

I...I'm not sure where to begin with this one. Maybe Nov is good. We were supposed to visit the ils this past Thanksgiving. We ended up not going because mil thought she had bronchitis or something she didn't want Mini G or us to catch. We never made follow up plans to visit because she continued to be sick. I'll spare you the details that followed because I can't say I remember them exactly. I just knew of visits to a homeopath doctor or physician, that it could be gallstones...I didn't think much of it. At least I wasn't worried. I hoped she'd improve so we'd be able to visit and she could see Mini G. That's all I was thinking about, assuming the best.

About 4 wks ago, mil finally went to the hospital. Western. They ran a lot of tests. She had a swollen liver. They did an MRI, biopsy. At this point I told my husband he should go up there to help out and see what was going on. He said no, he wanted to wait until his dad gave him the directive to do so. He didn't want to spend time up there if they really didn't need him and then not be able to return when they did. Two days after my suggestion his dad told him to come up. That was a sad goodbye. I figured he'd be gone a week and would miss Mini G very much. Hopefully me, too. lol G Money was very emotional, but I still didn't think anything awful. I felt bad that she was sick enough that he needed to go up there, but very happy that we live close enough to drive in a day and he was able to do so. The next day more test results came back and the news was cancer. Pancreatic.

The whole way everything went down was odd. They mentioned cancer during that week. Then the next day said they didn't think it was because mil was so cheerful and not presenting the disposition of liver cancer patients. (big fat eye roll) And then the third day she got the diagnosis. I wish medical personnel wouldn't speculate out loud. Especially if they're not physicians. It's 10x worse. You hope they are telling you something accurate, giving you some inside information having see it all as a nurse. Maybe telling you something that the doctor isn't saying. It's awful when they're wrong.

Needless to say it's been a rough couple weeks. I think it's been 2 weeks as of today. We were hoping they were wrong, looking up all sorts of things online. Lupus became something to hope for. But, the cancer has metastasized. MIL's liver is 70-80% damaged, so no chance of surgery or a transplant. They said the cancer would attack it. Oddly, they never said she has Stage X cancer, with X time frame to live. I don't know if it's because they're not being thorough. Perhaps they really don't know. We have been thinking they're waiting to see if they can get her liver to work a little better and then give more information. At times I've been chomping at the bit, wishing I were there to ask questions. It's possible that G Money and his father have been told the information and just didn't hear it or are rejecting it. His dad mentioned that to me, in short. Accepting the diagnosis, but not the prognosis. And G Money vacillates between the fact that she might die soon and hope that will, spirit and mixing in some holistic remedies will extend her life a little bit. I think he's been afraid to ask certain questions, as if not speaking them out loud will make everything bad stay away for a little longer. For example, a nurse came to talk w/them about home care. If/when she is released, what is the home set up, meals, who will be there to care, etc... I asked if it was Palliative Care, but G Money didn't know. See, one of those things he didn't want to ask. Also, it just may have not crossed his mind at the time. He's been staying overnite with his mom, in her room. If you've ever stayed overnite in a hospital, you know it's completely unrestful with nurses coming in every few hours for a shift change, administer meds, etc... Neither he nor his mom are getting any sleep. I think he's done a great job of dropping in and navigating the hospital world. I wouldn't call it a game, exactly, but it's good if the patient has a strong advocate. He has stepped up, which is good.

I made myself sick last week, stressing and worrying. It's not good if I go down right now because I'm 100% responsible for Mini G, but I did. It was pretty bad. Thankfully my mom came over to help and my sister did, too. Also last week I let Mini put water on my computer. Totally my fault and a quick accident that friend my computer, so that was really stressful for 3 days and another reason I was a little absent.

Of course one thing that's incredibly sad is thinking about how Mini G won't get to know her grandmother. We are talking about the two of us going up there very soon. However...I don't know. I lost my train of thought. Actually I have about 25 trains trying to leave the station at once. There are so many things we're concerned about. How will his dad survive without her. Literally. He can't cook. That can be overcome w/Meals on Wheels, but we cannot see him on the property alone. Not to mention that mil's mother is still alive. I said she'd have to get moved the in-law set up to a home. She might not want to go for it, but at a certain point G Money is going to have to make decisions and they're going to have to follow the plan. He's afraid that if his mom goes, then dominoes.

There's a host of other things I can't mention. I'm not sure mil would be really excited about me writing about this online, which is why it's better over here than on Gone Shopping. Would it surprise you if I told you she doesn't want anyone to know? It's made me sick, I tell you. As I said, it's only been a couple weeks. I hope she changes her mind and allows people to call her. I hope it would make her feel better than she would expect. However, I can see not wanting to explain everything to people over and over, not wanting to answer questions or hear "let me know if there's anything I can do...", knowing there is nothing. As soon as I found out, I mobilized my team. I told my mom & sister that I would need their support very much. I called my dad who lives in another state. Moral support, if nothing else. I've made prayer requests. I cannot imagine what her state of mind is, combined with pain, plus tons of meds. I just wish she thought she might get a good feeling from family and wanted them to come around. It's an incredible amount of stress on my husband and there's only me for him to vent to. No one else is around to help him out.

Ugh. That's it. I am trying to be at peace with this, but I guess that's asking too much as we stare down this long road. What I am 100% sure of is you think you have time and you don't. Take that trip. Make amends. Finish your degree. Whatever you want to have no regrets about...make it happen.

Thanks for reading...

♥